Yoooooo!!
Okay guys (and guyettes), it's been a long week and it's not technically over yet..I just need to get this stuff straight with God.
Today, I woke up at 11:00am feeling like such a let down (no weird dreams this night), but I felt so rushed because so much is planned for today and I don't know if all of that is possible. I have a paper to finish, I have a b-day party to attend, a pajama party, a relationship charla...ah!
It's just that I have to pick and choose. And most importantly, I need to spend time with God. God is super important, but the time I give Him...is really not that much. I've told myself so many times that I'd change and instead of watching movies before sleeping (which I absolutely love doing), I'll spend time with God because He deserves that time. Needless to say, it's been a struggle. I can't do it all, and I am not even sure I want to do it all, but there is a part of me that just needs to talk to God sooo bad so that He can show me what to do.
Maybe it's the failure part of me that needs His forgiveness. The forgiveness that is so hard for us to just take, freely, without any strings attached. And it is by human nature that feel the need to get what's coming, or to be given what we deserve. And life with God is not like that. He gives us good things we don't deserve (Grace/Gracia) and doesn't always punish us when we deserve it (Mercy/Misericordia).
I honestly just want to sit here and listen to Him and have the face to face that is deeply needed and desired. But I'm scared that if I do that, I won't get anything else done today. However, I know that when the Bible says 'Seek first the Kingdom of God and its righteousness' it meant that God is #1, at least should be. This world is so distracting...I guess I let it.
"God, I honestly am sorry for not spending as much time with you to build this relationship with you. It seems like when I try to work on it, I come back to the same issues. I don't want to be the baby Christian forever, and you want to see me grow, but God I'm struggling here. I really am. The demands of this world can be slightly overwhelming (who am I kidding. Very overwhelming) and so I guess the logical answer would be to spend every waking moment with you, as not to be swept away...
"Once again, I come before you with a broken and contrite heart, but that's all you ask for: my heart. I don't trust anyone else with it, but often neglect to hand it over to the one who takes care of it. And so I ask that you put it on my heart to spend more time with you and make this relationship a developing one and not static. I know what I'm asking for involves growing pains, but God, it's so worth it because you know better than you.
"I won't say anymore because I know you've heard it all. Thank you for being absolutely amazing, loving, understanding and present. From my heart to yours and in Jesus' name I pray, Amen."
-I feel better, but know that this is just the beginning of something that requires my effort. I thank God for His stregth, strengthening me in the process. Alright, chiquillos and chiquillas...I'm out. Try and spend time in the relationship you've established and if you are where I'm at, praying just changes it all.
Much love, peace and praying grease,
Ife 'Quipayan' S.
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